Today’s post is from our regular Wednesday contributor, Cat.
When couples argue, the vast majority of them are arguing about money.
It’s no wonder since money and how couples handle it affects everything they do. From vacations to retirement to what you’re having for dinner, discussions about money can get testy in most relationships.
However, there are some ways to avoid money arguments if you know the right way to deal with it.
For example, my husband and I have managed to be together for almost 10 years without a major money argument. In fact, we argue way more about doing the dishes than anything else, but I think we’ve avoided money arguments because we got married young, combined finances early, and have the same goals.
Sure there are times when I have to talk him off a ledge or remind him that we really don’t need another gadget, but mostly he is respectful of the budget and does what he can to stay in it. Our conversations can get heated as we decide what to do and where to put our funds, but never has there been a full on battle about finances.
Here is the number one way we avoid money arguments. It’s worked for us for a long time, so I hope it can help someone else:
Agree on a number.
My husband and I were required to do pre-marital counseling through our church, and during that time we were asked to make some decisions about money. We decided who would handle long term finances (him) and who would handle everyday finances (me.) However, the most important lesson we took from that was agreeing on a number, the number that we were allowed to spend without asking the other person.
Our number is and always has been $50. Basically, if something we want is over $50, we have to ask the other person if we can get it. This alone, I believe, has been the key to avoiding resentment or arguments when it comes to money.
There will never be a time when he comes home with a surprise brand new $65 bowtie (he’s a tad obsessed with them), and there will never be a time when I go and spend $55 on a pair of shoes without asking first. Maybe someday our number will be raised to $100 but I’m so accustomed to asking about over $50 that it would feel wrong to spend $90 without asking.
The big exception is a grocery trip, where we routinely spend over $100, but this rule really applies to personal purchases, you know the kind that is just for you and not necessarily for the family.
Honestly this rule has gone so well that my husband has gone a little overboard with it. Just yesterday, he called to ask me if I minded if he stopped to get a 6 pack of this special Louisiana beer. He looked it up and found a store who had it in New Jersey, and he really wanted to go get it.
Of course, he called at a bad time when I was elbow deep in baby madness. I had him on speakerphone when he called to ask me about it, and I was all stressed telling him, Please just go buy the beer! It’s way under $50, remember?! He replied and said, “I know. I know. I just wanted to check in on the budget.” Sigh… nothing makes my heart go pitter patter than a man that can respect my budget. All was forgiven.
So, I’m not saying this will be the cure for everything nor am I an expert on marriage whatsoever. However, it’s just a little something that’s worked for us. Now if someone can tell me how to not argue about the dishes, I’m all ears.
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Here’s what I find amusing: despite that money arguments are the #1 source of marriage conflict, our church-sponsored premarital counseling didn’t cover any of that. We would have been much better off with some sage advice. We are lucky, however, that we don’t fight about money. Or dishes. Because our premarital counseling DID cover chores (we were advised to pick the chores we wanted to do and the ones that neither wanted become common ground. We kept the list on our fridge for the first 7 years of our marriage).
We had the same number for years and it worked great. It also made me stop and think about whether I really wanted something – if I thought I’d sound silly taking it to the board for approval, I just didn’t buy it. A great technique to reduce stress and save money!
We also married very young, but honestly, sometimes we had a money issue but that was before. It’s not healthy to argue about money, so we try our very best not to fight about it and we both know about our online accounts.
We don’t have anything formalized (an amount) but we do generally check with each other, more depending on the type of expenditure (i.e. check for discretionary). For example, he spent $100 last week on a new UV light for the water treatment system at my Dad’s cottage. The old light was burned out so we needed one. He didn’t check with me but just told me about it afterwards to which I responded “Ouch”.
Communication and compromise is the key. My wife and I talk about our finances literally every day so we’re on the same page as to what we have, and what we have planned for our current funds. When we do disagree on how to spend our money, there are times to compromise or submit to the wishes of your partner if the request is important to them.
We have a “number” too and ours is usually around $30 or so. I might spend a little more without his approval if I can’t get ahold of him for some reason. We never fight about money!
I LOVE this, Cat!! I already sent it to my boyfriend :) Such a great idea. I’ve been thinking about the best ways to combine finances and talk about money, and this is totally new to me. I really appreciate the tip!
I’m intrigued that you have a hard and fast number rule, though it absolutely makes sense. We have a more “general concept” number. Some things we talk to each other about, other things we just spend the money. I would venture that it’s more like $100. Due to living in a small town, we rarely make purchases like that without each other there, anyway. For example, if we are looking at shoes, chances are we are in a mall in a city, together.
The more I think about it, the more I think our unofficial number is around $100, without at least letting the other person know what we’re up to. Example: “I am pissed off at my bike shorts, I’m going to go buy new ones tonight.”
I love this tip Cat. We don’t have a solid number that we must discuss. I would say usually it ends up being pretty much that we discuss anything that is extra. That might sound excessive but we really don’t buy a ton of extras. It definitely helps the communication and trust aspects of the relationship when it comes to money.
Ha! I love that Hubs respects the budget so well and I love that you guys have a “free spend” limit. I think that is a great and fair way to avoid money issues in marriages. Having a number takes the emotion and drama out of the situation. You can argue on feelings but you can’t argue against numbers.
Our number is $100. I handle the finances as my wife just doesn’t really care about money or numbers. She doesn’t mind spending the money though!
I love that policy, totally reasonable and keeps discussion open.
I think that’s why we don’t combine finances. I don’t think I’d like having to ask nor would he. If we did though; that sounds like a great rule. That’s great that you two are willing to work with each other and stick to the rule. We have found something that works for us though and we don’t argue about money or anything else either.
Our number is the same as well and always has been. I could see changing it in the future, but it helps us stay on the same page. That communication is so key to have, otherwise your bound to have disagreements. Thankfully money is something we’ve never argued about.
That’s a good rule Cat. Our number is about $20, and it’s not that low because either one of us cares if the other spends, it’s that way because we both respect each other and have goals for our future. Plus we’re always texting or something like that, and have nothing to hide. That I know of, at least.
ImpersonalFinance I think it sounds like a great relationship!
FrugalRules I think that’s great. It’s a good number!
PinkSunshine94 Oh yeah that really works for some people!
brokeandbeau Thanks Stef!
DebtRoundUp Haha maybe one day our number will be that!
blonde_finance I think that’s a great point!
BudgetforMore I totally agree – open communication is everything!
moneypropeller I think that works out well that you do your shopping together!
Aw, that was so cute that your husband called you to check in with you! My boyfriend actually did that recently – he’s been wanting a certain workout item that’s normally $60ish. But he found a used one for $15 and asked if I minded. I thought that was awesome and a great deal to boot!
This sounds like a great rule to have in place. We pretty much have the same one, just unspoken. I think our limit would be anything over $50 too, unless it was something that we’d previously discussed, and not just an impulse purchase.
Being on the same page is so important! Like you, we have been together young and combined finances at an early age. Our goals have eveolved and change and honestly, we need to do a better job at staying in touch with them.
PlungedinDebt Rock on – getting married young isn’t so bad :)
TheWriteBudget Yeah $50 has that magical quality I think!
JourneytoSaving Haha he’s a keeper!
theFinancegirl Aw I’m glad it was helpful!
Holly at ClubThrifty I think that’s awesome!
DebtChronicles I bet you two could write a book on awesome communication!
debt debs Yeah I hate those necessary expenses. I had to buy a vaccum cleaner this week. Being an adult sucks lol.
Clarisse @ Make Money Your Way Yeah it’s always good to get better over time!
thebudgetsandthebees I know it really helps with the wants/needs issue!
indebtedmom I know every institution from churches to schools could do a better job of promoting financial education!
I think a couple is always going to get into arguments around finances if their financial values are different. Settling on a number is absolutely critical!
Both people also need to be really clear/open on their financial situation. Hiding debt or money is a huge leader of arguments.
We have that rule too. It’s a good one and helps keep the peace.
My wife and I have a similar arrangement. We’ve been married over 20 years now and still do well when it comes to avoiding those financial arguments. The main key for us is communication. We always talk about everything we buy.