The main problem with the finances is when the topic comes up about how she pays for everything and that what I give her for rent is not enough. My problem is that she is not a saver but a spender. For example, she owes about 10k on her car and has 40k in her 401k. Because she does not know how to manager her finances well, she was thinking about cashing it out to pay off her car. I was in complete shock when she even mentioned this to me. It scares me to be with her when we are talking about marriage, kids, etc.. because she loves spending but then when it comes to big ticket items like fixing up the house, she brings up how I dont give her enough every month and she is paying for everything.

I have spoken to her in a respectful, gentle and open minded way but she gets defensive. When she says I don’t give her enough money, she makes me feel horrible because I don’t bring enough income to the table. I feel like it it something that I can’t win with her because no one is going to tell her how to manage her money :( I am just at a loss of words right now.

Definitely not; fighting rarely solves any problems. It just creates new ones, or brings up old ones.

Thank you for sharing, Ruth! I’m a saver, but I know the situation isn’t fun for either party. I don’t like putting my partner in a defensive position, and as my views on money have (slowly) changed, I’ve realized that harping on certain things just takes the fun out of life. Why should I make a big deal about them spending $X (as long as it’s not absolutely insane) if it’s bringing them enjoyment, and they’re still working toward their goals? It’s a short-term view of money which misses a few things in the process.

That’s a great idea! It’s SO important to have these discussions before marriage, but sadly, it’s the last thing on most people’s minds when thinking about their future together.

I prefer honesty from the start as well, but it can be tough having those conversations early on. People unfortunately lie to make themselves look better, too.

Regarding how to pay off debt together, that’s a tricky one, which is why I wrote a post about it. I wouldn’t expect my partner to help me pay off my student loan debt since I acquired that on my own, but some couples (especially if they get married) take a “what’s yours is mine” approach, even with debt, which can help you both work toward those joint financial goals together.

Interesting point. I like detailed plans, but I don’t technically follow them to a T. I just feel better about laying everything out and having a general idea of where I want to go. Simplifying is usually a good idea, though!

That’s awesome, Julie. Sounds like the dynamic I’ve had with most of my partners. I tend to be way more into personal finance; they care about saving and paying off debt, but they don’t want to live and breathe it.