Today’s post is from our regular Wednesday contributor, Erin.
Imagine this.
It’s a month after the honeymoon, and you’re happily floating along cloud nine.
Until you receive a statement in the mail. It’s addressed to your spouse, but since you’re married, you think nothing of opening it.
As you scan over the statement, your eyes widen, your jaw drops a little, and your heart rate goes up.
They owe HOW MUCH!?
The Importance of Discussing Finances Early On in a Relationship
Okay, you can breathe a sigh of relief. I know that was intense, but thankfully, it’s not reality. We’ve already discussed some money issues you should settle before marriage, and I think just about everyone knows that money is the #1 reason for divorce, so we’ll skip over that.
Today, I want to talk about how you can approach the discussion, so you can avoid that scary situation of finding out about debt after tying the knot.
I truly believe that couples should function as a team and support each other, and that means no secrets. You have to lay it all out there eventually. There’s no reason to feel ashamed or afraid – the right partner will be accepting and supportive, and if you’re the one in a good financial situation, you should be accepting and supportive of your partner.
The worst thing you can do is feel resentful, judgmental, or unworthy when talking about money. This isn’t a time to tear each other apart! Both of you need to feel relaxed and trust has to be established, otherwise tensions might run a little high. Here are 4 tips on how to discuss finances early on in a relationship.
1) Take Baby Steps
It’s understandable that you might not feel comfortable spelling out your exact situation at first, especially if you’re overwhelmed by it. You have every right to take things slow and steady. Instead of going straight to the numbers, try talking about your financial goals and values. This can help you find common ground with your partner as well as establish what kind of expectations to have.
Do both of you enjoy traveling? Going to concerts or sports games? Is there a hobby you have in common, like skiing, photography, or running? All of these, on the surface, cost money, but you don’t have to go into detail about it.
It also goes without saying that you can observe your partner’s actions without actually saying anything about it. If they’re a spender or a saver, it should show within the first few months!
By easing into the topic of money, you’ll be better equipped to handle the more serious discussions on debt, spending habits, and budgeting.
2) Have an Open Line of Communication
Communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. If you can’t be open and honest with your partner, how do you expect to be a team? You need to keep each other in the loop, no matter what. I’ve had some tough conversations with my boyfriend before, where we both felt a little ashamed and silly about our spending, but we ended up coming out of it stronger. Each time you stumble is an opportunity to learn.
Having an open line of communication paves the way for future discussions as well. If you both feel comfortable talking to each other about finances, then neither of you will feel apprehensive about broaching the topic when it comes up. I am grateful that I can talk to my partner without having to censor my thoughts or feelings – neither of us think twice about bringing an issue up.
Listening is also part of communicating! If you’re constantly talking over your partner, that’s going to make things difficult. People don’t feel appreciated when they can’t have their say. Establish the boundaries beforehand, and be an active listener. You’re not giving a conversation your full attention if your mind is trying to formulate an answer while the other person is still talking.
3) Keep an Open Mind
We all know that money is a sensitive topic for many people. No one likes to feel judged or criticized based upon their spending habits. Keep that in mind when talking to your significant other about finances. Often, people know when they’ve messed up, and they don’t need to be lectured on it. Remember that people make mistakes, and they should be forgiven (within reason, of course; don’t let someone gamble your savings away!).
Your significant other may be coming from a different place, too. How we are raised has a huge influence on our financial views, and we may not understand their reasoning or logic. Be calm and patient, and ask for explanations when necessary. This is a great time to do a little digging into each of your financial behaviors. Again, don’t be quick to judge, as you might learn a few things about yourself along the way.
Through the course of our relationship, I’ve come to appreciate the fact that my boyfriend is more open to spending than I am. We keep each other balanced! Having a spender/saver dynamic isn’t always a bad thing as long as it’s not on the extreme side.
Also, be willing to meet in the middle on some things. My boyfriend and I don’t always agree 100% on everything, but we make an effort to settle on something that will make us both happy. It’s about working together, remember?
4) Have a Plan
Have a plan prepared when you’re ready to reveal your financial situation to your significant other, so that they know what actions you’re going to take. This will let them know you’re serious about taking responsibility and taking control of your finances. Your plan may change over time, but you should have a basic idea of how you’re going to pay off your debt, or start saving.
On the other side, if your partner is coming to you with a confession and a plan, be supportive and involved with their efforts. You don’t have to help them financially – offering to be a cheerleader can be enough.
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There you have it – 4 simple tips on how to discuss your financial situation early on in a relationship. Don’t wait to have the conversation before it’s too late!
How do you approach discussing finances in your relationship? What’s your best tip on having an open and honest discussion with your significant other?
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Great advice! I think that keeping an open mind and staying judgement-free are crucial. You don’t want your partner to feel attacked or victimized. The conversation will be much more productive if everyone can talk without fear of punishment. And, I think that respecting and congratulating each other for financial successes is important too.
YES! Love love love this post. In fact, I added it to my roundup before I even read it based solely on the title. I have to say it’s right up my alley re “young professional women” and what I like to wright and read about. I think the earlier you start, the better. It doesn’t have to be a serious, intense convo. But little comments or small discussions here and there will really tell you more than you’re hearing. Financially wise / savvy people usually are not afraid or turned off my talking about money, either – and who doesn’t want to be with someone who has their finances together? I even wrote a guide on how to talk about finances with your significant other that I give away for free when people signup with their emails because I think it’s so important to talk about in a relationship.
We already discussed our finances in the early days of our relationship. We were both broke so we were always trying to figure out ways to keep our long-distance relationship afloat with our limited budgets.
Love this!! I think it’s so important to discuss finances early on and HAVE A PLAN, like you said!! As long as both people are open and honest with each other and on the same page, there’s nothing they can’t tackle as a couple!!
Mrs. Frugalwoods Thanks Mrs. FW! I know if you agree with it I’m on the right track. ;) I definitely think it’s important to respect and congratulate as well. My boyfriend made a decision to rush into paying off his loans (which I didn’t fully agree with at the time), but it’s been amazing to see his progress, and I told him I was in awe at what he accomplished. If your partner has a decent plan, you should support them!
theFinancegirl Glad you enjoyed it, Natalie! My boyfriend and I went right into talking about finances maybe two months in, but I know that doesn’t work for everyone, so I wanted to put the “start slow” section in. The more comfortable you get with mentioning it, the better it will be in the long run.
Holly at ClubThrifty I’m so glad it worked out, Holly! My boyfriend and I were similarly “broke college students” so discussing finances was pretty easy considering we didn’t have much.
Sarah Brooks Thanks Sarah – having a plan and being on the same page is super important. I feel a lot better attacking debt as a team versus as an individual.
Money is such an emotional subject, it’s difficult to imagine a relationship going well if you find your better-half has been lying to you about their debts and spending habits.
My husband was going through a divorce when we got together. Thankfully, it all worked out. But I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Dealing with the soon-to-be ex-spouse, especially in the money department, can be a real nightmare. Especially if there is debt and you are a saver. Great tips, Erin! You’ll help a lot of women deal with their partners the smart way. :)
These are all great tips! We’ve always been very open about our finances, and I think that is very important. I’ve heard horror stories about financial secrets being kept and that almost always leads to debt and/or a disaster.
My hubby and I were open about money when we started dating, but we were open about everything. Our challenge was that we had different money personalities (I was a spender and he was a saver) and we didn’t fully diagnose those differences until recently. Fortunately for us, we are very strong communicators so we have worked through our money challenges. Without our honest communication, I am sure we would have much more money troubles.
Myles Money Very difficult! No one likes being lied to, regardless of what it’s about.
kay at frugalvoices Oh wow, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. Money is a real point of contention where divorce is concerned. I am glad that it worked out for you two, though!
SenseofCents I can’t imagine it going any other way. I don’t mind being forgiving about a few minor things early on, especially if you don’t have joint finances, but you don’t want to see that pattern continue once things get serious.
blonde_finance Yep, communication is everything! I think it has the ability to make or break a relationship, really. You have to be open, honest, and clear on what the expectations are. It’s funny how you can do that, and still be opposites, and not fully recognize what that means for your finances. My ex was a spender, and being in college at the time, I hadn’t been overly concerned about it. That could have turned out badly!
When Jim and I started dating, he was in school and I was in residency and we were both spend little because we had no money. It worked great until we actually were making money and we had no plans about what we wanted for the future or how we would invest/save/spend. We ended up overspending and going into debt. I would encourage new couples who don’t have much money to plan for when they will.
Eyesonthedollar That’s an interesting take on it, Kim. We started out the same way, but we didn’t experience huge bumps in income, so we haven’t had the temptation to overspend. Lifestyle inflation after college can be really difficult to hold back on after living meagerly for years. Having a plan in place can certainly combat that!
My wife and I were ideal finance matches however I have written about other people I dated and the challenge I had with their less than ideal financial situation. I don’t know how you can get in to a serious relationship without bringing this up. It would be good to be in a situation to see them spend money or have to do something with a budget. This is one of the most important areas of a relationship and the long-term happiness and success. Doesn’t mean you have to have ideal finances, it would be best, but at least talking about it, being up front and honest, and establishing a plan for what you want to do in the short and long term together.
Great tips, Erin. I am a huge believer in money transparency. And it always surprises me how many couples keep money secrets from one another. I feel fortunate because Chris and I have always had similar money beliefs and have never had difficulties talking about money. I absolutely know it can be incredibly scary to tell your partner about debt, but as you said, they should ultimately be supportive. It’s a complete Corporate term but it’s important to seek to understand, rather than judge. Everyone makes mistakes and working together to find solutions to any money problems one partner may have can ultimately make the relationship stronger too.
hwincome “I don’t know how you can get in to a serious relationship without bringing this up.” I agree with that, though I know a lot of younger people who simply don’t consider it, especially when they start dating in college. It’s definitely important to discuss finances earlier rather than later, so that you can work everything out before getting married.
ShannonRyan I couldn’t agree more, Shannon! It pains me to think that so many couples out there have dealt with “financial infidelity.” Working through mistakes and coming up with a plan together can certainly strengthen relationships! I’ve seen couples come out stronger on the other end of debt in the personal finance world.
Vital post here Erin! You raise some good points, what are your thoughts on if there are two opposing views on this? I haven’t read the rest of the comments and this may have already been discussed but if I had a girlfriend who burned a hole in either her or my pocket that would probably be a deal-breaker..
While I’m all for spending money on things you enjoy doing i.e. travel to me it’s important to be financially aware and put away money towards goals and if partner was against this i’m not sure it’d work out in the longer term.. What are everyone else’s thoughts on this?
mycareercrusade That’s tough to answer! It’s a lot easier to be with someone that shares the same goals and values as you do. It depends on the people involved, the length of the relationship, and the distance between possible compromise. (If one is an extreme saver and the other an extreme spender, it’s going to be a lot harder to bridge the gap!)
Of course, it’s worth trying to sort it out if both are willing to meet in the middle. Having a spending allowance for each individual or establishing expectations early on can help. These things are important to figure out before marriage, but I have seen the saver/spender dynamic work out in the end, so relationships certainly aren’t doomed just because of that.
Now that I’ve actually re-thought, it’s probably even better to have someone with a slightly different perspective.. By having a different perspective you can almost combine or have a devils advocate approach and have an “ultimate” or close to it strategy :)
Thanks for the comment though!
This topic was a huge issue for me before I got married. I think everyone brought up good points. My thought was my significant other’s money problems would be my money problems after we got married. So we had a serious discussion about this. Fortunately everything worked out and we were able to work on it together. However, if we were in different places about finances, that would have been the deal breaker for me.
yvettedog I’m glad everything worked out for you two! “My thought was my significant other’s money problems would be my money problems after we got married.” That’s a smart way to view it, and why having a plan beforehand is important!
I love the point you make about how you were raised affecting how you talk about and manage money. My husband and I both came from middle-class backgrounds, so for several years when we were dating I assumed we’d been raised in a similar financial situation.
But with me having worked, budgeted, and saved since I was 13 years old, and his parents giving him an allowance all the way through college, the expectations we grew up with were VASTLY different. We’re pretty solidly on the same page now, but it can still be a struggle occasionally.
kpaljug It’s so true! We all grow up having different perspectives on money, as well as different goals with what we want to use our money for. I’m glad that you’re both on the same page now!
Erin @ Journey to Saving kpaljug For the most part! When we recently talked about saving up for a trip, he couldn’t see anywhere in our budget where we could reasonably cut expenses, whereas I saw places everywhere! =)